I have had quite a share of relationships in my lifetime. No I’m not saying this to brag but honestly, I’m saying this because I’m ashamed. Those people who have been single their entire lives, they want to experience a relationship. What it’s like to be loved and share affection and memories between a significant other. However, it almost feels like just the opposite for me. We always want what we can’t have.

I wish I was still single. I wish I was still pure and haven’t experienced all those “firsts”. I wish I hadn’t made all the mistakes that I have. I have secrets that no one knows and honestly, I wish I didn’t know. It was all due to the decisions I made and I know, they weren’t the best decisions to do so.

I guess what I wonder is that, how do you know if this person is always the right person for me? Is he the one? The one I’ll be saying “I do” to? The one I’ll share my hopes and dreams with and build a family with together? I don’t know and that scares me.

It’s hard to let go of someone when you really love and care for them. And honestly, it pains me even just thinking about it. To know the person you shared so many memories with to eventually disappear out of your life. To lose the comforting fact in knowing that they’re always there. In that they are the first messages you wake up to, and they’re the last one as you close your eyes. I don’t want to lose that special someone in my life and knowing a few months or a year later they’re just a distant stranger. And what kills you even more, is to see that they have moved on. Gone out of your life, and into someone else’s.

Another thought that comes across my mind is, if not him then who? Is it someone I already know? A close friend? Or will I meet him someday soon during college/grad school/work? It boggles my mind to know that my future is so murky and unclear.

OH, and I remember the pains of struggling with relationships and all the unnecessary worries that come before. Everything from the first butterflies, to the chase, to either the rejection or success that results from it all. Even more so there are all the complications that result from liking someone. Whether it be they don’t like you back, or (worse) they end up liking someone else. Sigh. The struggles are real.

I wonder how life would be like if we all didn’t have feelings..

Sol-i-tude

Solitude (noun) // the state or situation of being alone

It hurts. It really does. The feeling of exclusion, of dismissal.. of unwanted solitude. It kills me inside but I never let it show. I never “wear my heart on my sleeve”. If I feel kicked down or defeated, I choke it down. I head home, and laying on my bed with my face in my pillow, is where I let my tears stream out. People who know me always mention me to be a happy upbeat bubbly person. But that’s just the exterior. There are so many layers that make up a person.

I always wonder if I hide myself behind my smile. When I exchange my hellos and smiles between friends passing through the halls, I don’t truly mean it. It comes so easy for us humans (especially for girls) to be fake and superficial and it hurts a person. It breaks them down, but we never stop to realize our actions.

I think experiencing this firsthand gave me a new perspective on my own personality and how I treat people. When I was meeting these new people, I gave it my all. I wanted so badly to fit in and to socialize on my own without relying on others. I didn’t want to be a burden to them so instead I took matters in my own hands. I felt as if God meant for me to be here with these people, therefore I would have to work at this. It won’t come easy but I knew the result would be rewarding. However, it didn’t work out towards my favor. I tried so hard but others just weren’t reciprocating my enthusiasm and energy. Honestly.. it broke me down. It broke me piece by piece. I felt my confidence draining and I felt God to be so distant from me. I just wanted to cry out “God why why why? Is this what you wanted me to feel? Solitude?”. It hurts. It really does.

I couldn’t even hold my tears until my pillow that day. To feel such strong rejection in one night was too much to handle. A huge part of me wondered if God wanted me to experience this for a reason. That perhaps there are many others out there who are experiencing just as I am. However, instead, they are crying because I was part of the reason. That there’s something I could’ve done to help them or make it just a little easier. I felt their pain and I realized how much it can affect and ruin a person.

Solitude of loneliness. Unwantedness. Anger. Frustration.

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

We must remember that God is always there for us. I must remember that God has not forsaken me. But this is only the beginning, God always has a plan for us. It is never guaranteed that the roads will be clear and easy. However, it is during our times of pain, loneliness, rejection, and solitude that we must remain strong in our faith. To keep firm and our eyes and heart locked on God. I must not let a hindrance that occurred to affect my relationship with God. I’m not exactly sure where to go from here, but I know I’m not walking through this journey alone. He’ll be there by my side throughout the whole way while I figure it out.

~Hebrews 11:1~