I have had quite a share of relationships in my lifetime. No I’m not saying this to brag but honestly, I’m saying this because I’m ashamed. Those people who have been single their entire lives, they want to experience a relationship. What it’s like to be loved and share affection and memories between a significant other. However, it almost feels like just the opposite for me. We always want what we can’t have.

I wish I was still single. I wish I was still pure and haven’t experienced all those “firsts”. I wish I hadn’t made all the mistakes that I have. I have secrets that no one knows and honestly, I wish I didn’t know. It was all due to the decisions I made and I know, they weren’t the best decisions to do so.

I guess what I wonder is that, how do you know if this person is always the right person for me? Is he the one? The one I’ll be saying “I do” to? The one I’ll share my hopes and dreams with and build a family with together? I don’t know and that scares me.

It’s hard to let go of someone when you really love and care for them. And honestly, it pains me even just thinking about it. To know the person you shared so many memories with to eventually disappear out of your life. To lose the comforting fact in knowing that they’re always there. In that they are the first messages you wake up to, and they’re the last one as you close your eyes. I don’t want to lose that special someone in my life and knowing a few months or a year later they’re just a distant stranger. And what kills you even more, is to see that they have moved on. Gone out of your life, and into someone else’s.

Another thought that comes across my mind is, if not him then who? Is it someone I already know? A close friend? Or will I meet him someday soon during college/grad school/work? It boggles my mind to know that my future is so murky and unclear.

OH, and I remember the pains of struggling with relationships and all the unnecessary worries that come before. Everything from the first butterflies, to the chase, to either the rejection or success that results from it all. Even more so there are all the complications that result from liking someone. Whether it be they don’t like you back, or (worse) they end up liking someone else. Sigh. The struggles are real.

I wonder how life would be like if we all didn’t have feelings..

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