I have had quite a share of relationships in my lifetime. No I’m not saying this to brag but honestly, I’m saying this because I’m ashamed. Those people who have been single their entire lives, they want to experience a relationship. What it’s like to be loved and share affection and memories between a significant other. However, it almost feels like just the opposite for me. We always want what we can’t have.

I wish I was still single. I wish I was still pure and haven’t experienced all those “firsts”. I wish I hadn’t made all the mistakes that I have. I have secrets that no one knows and honestly, I wish I didn’t know. It was all due to the decisions I made and I know, they weren’t the best decisions to do so.

I guess what I wonder is that, how do you know if this person is always the right person for me? Is he the one? The one I’ll be saying “I do” to? The one I’ll share my hopes and dreams with and build a family with together? I don’t know and that scares me.

It’s hard to let go of someone when you really love and care for them. And honestly, it pains me even just thinking about it. To know the person you shared so many memories with to eventually disappear out of your life. To lose the comforting fact in knowing that they’re always there. In that they are the first messages you wake up to, and they’re the last one as you close your eyes. I don’t want to lose that special someone in my life and knowing a few months or a year later they’re just a distant stranger. And what kills you even more, is to see that they have moved on. Gone out of your life, and into someone else’s.

Another thought that comes across my mind is, if not him then who? Is it someone I already know? A close friend? Or will I meet him someday soon during college/grad school/work? It boggles my mind to know that my future is so murky and unclear.

OH, and I remember the pains of struggling with relationships and all the unnecessary worries that come before. Everything from the first butterflies, to the chase, to either the rejection or success that results from it all. Even more so there are all the complications that result from liking someone. Whether it be they don’t like you back, or (worse) they end up liking someone else. Sigh. The struggles are real.

I wonder how life would be like if we all didn’t have feelings..

Sol-i-tude

Solitude (noun) // the state or situation of being alone

It hurts. It really does. The feeling of exclusion, of dismissal.. of unwanted solitude. It kills me inside but I never let it show. I never “wear my heart on my sleeve”. If I feel kicked down or defeated, I choke it down. I head home, and laying on my bed with my face in my pillow, is where I let my tears stream out. People who know me always mention me to be a happy upbeat bubbly person. But that’s just the exterior. There are so many layers that make up a person.

I always wonder if I hide myself behind my smile. When I exchange my hellos and smiles between friends passing through the halls, I don’t truly mean it. It comes so easy for us humans (especially for girls) to be fake and superficial and it hurts a person. It breaks them down, but we never stop to realize our actions.

I think experiencing this firsthand gave me a new perspective on my own personality and how I treat people. When I was meeting these new people, I gave it my all. I wanted so badly to fit in and to socialize on my own without relying on others. I didn’t want to be a burden to them so instead I took matters in my own hands. I felt as if God meant for me to be here with these people, therefore I would have to work at this. It won’t come easy but I knew the result would be rewarding. However, it didn’t work out towards my favor. I tried so hard but others just weren’t reciprocating my enthusiasm and energy. Honestly.. it broke me down. It broke me piece by piece. I felt my confidence draining and I felt God to be so distant from me. I just wanted to cry out “God why why why? Is this what you wanted me to feel? Solitude?”. It hurts. It really does.

I couldn’t even hold my tears until my pillow that day. To feel such strong rejection in one night was too much to handle. A huge part of me wondered if God wanted me to experience this for a reason. That perhaps there are many others out there who are experiencing just as I am. However, instead, they are crying because I was part of the reason. That there’s something I could’ve done to help them or make it just a little easier. I felt their pain and I realized how much it can affect and ruin a person.

Solitude of loneliness. Unwantedness. Anger. Frustration.

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

We must remember that God is always there for us. I must remember that God has not forsaken me. But this is only the beginning, God always has a plan for us. It is never guaranteed that the roads will be clear and easy. However, it is during our times of pain, loneliness, rejection, and solitude that we must remain strong in our faith. To keep firm and our eyes and heart locked on God. I must not let a hindrance that occurred to affect my relationship with God. I’m not exactly sure where to go from here, but I know I’m not walking through this journey alone. He’ll be there by my side throughout the whole way while I figure it out.

~Hebrews 11:1~

Wk 15: Artist Interview

  

        

This last week of artist interviews was honestly my favorite. I really enjoyed all the exhibits the galleries had to offer because they were so diverse as well as with tons of varieties in each exhibit. There was so much artwork displayed as a lot of them were collaborations. I have decided to focus on the 2015 BFA Illustration/Animation Senior Show called Drawn Out. Wow, these students truly have talent. I honestly enjoyed all the artwork they had showcased for their senior show. A lot of them looked so professional. The artworks were so cute and adorable as they were animation style. But also, the creativity was spot on. I decided to highlight a few of the students’ work in my blog for week 15.

The first student’s name was Kelly Yoo. When reading her description, it was very personal and relatable. She is an animator/illustrated and she’s from Southern California. Her interests are reading, films, fishing, swimming, and hugging her dog Yuri. Yuri loves to draw and always knew she wanted to be an artist who drew cartoons. Her parents were skeptical however they did support her on her wish. Her parents’ motivation and supportiveness inspire her to continue on pursing art. I was able to relate to her in this way because I love to dance and my parents weren’t too happy that I spent so much of my time with it. However, they still supported me and came to all my shows as well as paying for my classes so I definitely understand where Kelly is coming from.

The next artist I want to showcase is Alyssa Iwasaki. Her work to me is still cute and animated however it has a little bit of a dark side and an edge. She shares how drawing is her escape in allowing her to express herself while making her and others happy. Ever since she was little, she always enjoyed reading and looking through comics. She said the cartoons helped her smile even through the hardest times in her life. They were her inspiration almost, the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Alyssa shares something personal in that, sometimes it’s hard to draw or have the motivation for it since she feels she’s not good enough. Once she starts drawing however, time passes by quickly and she just gets lost in her work. It is her reminder in how much she loves drawing and creating. She says she has a long way to go as well as room to continue for improvement. Alyssa states” I want to continue to work on my art in hopes that one day, my own characters and creations will bring smiles to people all around. With graduating from the illustration program, I feel like I’ve come one step closer to realizing that dream”. I think her words were really powerful and motivating. The fact that her dream is to share her art for others to see and create a smile on people’s faces is just amazing. 

All in all, I was pretty inspired by all the students’ work. They definitely put a lot of time and effort along with creativity into their final artwork show. They should be so proud of themselves and I was glad to have seen their exhibit. I congratulate all the students who worked so hard and finished the program. Good luck on taking the next step in life toward your dreams, future, and career! #werby-gallery

Wk 15: Student Interview

 

Hello WordPress! Sad sad news has arrived.. this will be the last week of my student and artist interviews. I’m quite sad that this tradition has come to an end. Looking through my old works, there’s so many memories involved and I just can’t believe it has all finally come down to a close. Here’s my very last Art 110 student interview of this week of week 15!

Her name is Randa Jaber! She was so kinda and approachable as she came up to me and asked me to do an interview. Her voice is very soft and soothing. She is a sophomore here at CSULB and her major is civil engineering. She wanted a major where she would be done with college within four to five years total. Also, her reasoning for civil engineering is because she likes and is really good at math and science. I thought that was pretty great and I wish I could be more like her. I like meeting girls who do engineering since it’s not super common. I give major props to the girls who want to major and find a career in the field of engineering. After college, Randa hopes to go into a transportation company because her dad currently works for a transportation company as well. 

Randa commutes from Downey which is about 20-30 minutes away from CSULB. She really likes it here at CSULB and it was her first choice for college. She shared with me how a lot of her friends from high school also made the decision of choosing CSULB as the college of their choice. Therefore, she wanted to stay amongst her friends which is why she didn’t really bother applying to any other UCs. Here on campus to go along with her major, she joined a club known as the Society of Women Engineers. I thought this was really cool and a good choice for her especially since she can make friends who have similar majors. Also, perhaps make connections for the real world and such and it’s great to see a club dedicated for Women Engineers because I think more females should definitely get interested in the field of engineering. Randa shared with me though that she has class during the meeting times so she hasn’t been going too often. She hasn’t made any friends in the club yet because she can’t make it to the meetings but she plans to attend next semester more frequently.

I’m glad to have met Randa and gotten to know her more. It was a great experience interviewing my classmates in Art 110. I was super scared about doing this in the beginning of the semester but now, I’m really going to miss it. It was definitely a great way to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people who I recognize and talk to around campus now. 

Wk 14: Artist Interview

  

  

For the artist interview of this week, in the galleries on Thursday, there was only one main exhibit for the senior showcase. It was a collection of tons of student’s artwork all displayed in one showcase called Liminal. Liminal is an adjective that means of or relating to a transitional or initial stage of a process. I thought this was a really good name for the exhibit because not only was all their work a process but also their transitional stage in life from being seniors to either graduating college or continuing with graduate school or etc. It also shares how the artists are going through new practices and different periods of transition. The show showcases multiple processes of discoveries and breakthroughs within these artists. All these artists have developed their own visual language and personal practice along with different styles, content, and techniques. It was such a pleasure to look at all their amazing work they had to display.

One of the paintings showcased was my very own friend, Yireh Elaine Kwak. She told me why her piece focused on nature because nature has always been important and been such a big part in her family. She claimed whenever looking for a home, her mother always wanted a house with a beautiful view. Her current house is her influence in her paintings. It has a breathtaking view of the distant mountains and they were also next to a golf course. Kwak explains how landscapes became a symbol of her home. “My home and family is the fuel for my artistic calling”. I thought that phrase was so beautiful and inspirational.

Kwak goes on to tell us the process of how her art pieces came to live. She mainly uses oil paints for her landscapes because “it gives the best range of saturated and neutral colors”. She would head out into her backyard with her sketchbook, and sketch out the view she wanted to paint. She uses charcoal for her preliminary sketches and her sketches are usually very loose yet observational. After all, it’s still only the beginning of the entire process but one still wants to make sure to get all the details in as well. Kwak prefers her canvas to have an initial wash of color “whether it is cadmium red light, cadmium yellow light, or a violet hue”. She then starts painting from memory in her studio. Her memory tactics and techniques help her mind to organize the “important relationships” she sees in nature. After the oil paint dries, she goes on with the work by applying bold strokes of rough oil pastels over the gestural brushstrokes. She continues on with her artist inspiration in that “the vibrant colors and gestural brushstrokes (she) used are influenced by the styles of Van Gogh, Cezanne and Gaugin. (She) sees her work dwelling within the Stylized Mimetic range”.

All in all, I loved how all the artworks were showcased and it was a great exhibit to walk through and experience. It still amazes me how these works were only created by students! They should be so proud of themselves. #gatov-west 

Wk 14: Student Interview

 

My new friend I’ve made in Art 110 is named Uijin Song! She’s a freshman just as I am and she’s currently majoring in social work. I was actually interested in this field as well since my mom told me it’s a good major and profession. However it wasn’t the exact career path for me but I was still very interested to hear about her opinions on it. She told me it’s super hard to get in to the major for it’s very impacted like kinesiology and nursing. She chose it because she wants to help people. Similar to me in why I want to pursue occupational therapy, she wants to be a social worker to help people. However our professions are differen types of help but either way it was still interesting to hear. She applied to Csulb specifically for social work. She heard the program here was excellent so it was the main school she wanted.

Uijin lives in La Palma (which is close to Cypress). Despite Uijin approaching me, I could tell she’s rather shy. When asking about her hobbies, what she told me confirmed that she’s a bit of an introvert. She shared how she likes staying home and doesn’t really like going out. Nonetheless thought she does like college and Csulb specifically for the freedom. It’s a bit ironic but I can see where she’s coming from. Although she’s a bit difficult to talk to, she later opened up more to me sharing how she volunteer every Saturday with people with disabilities. I thought this was really cool and interesting mainly because I want to help and work with children with disabilities mainly. Uijin told me she’s been volunteering for 4 years! She now helps out as a teacher. I asked her how she got into this volunteer work and she told me her mom forced her to join the camp where they needed volunteers. Despite her mom’s push, she really does like it though and decided to stay.
Uijin has one younger brother (who is five years apart) and one younger sister (who is three years apart).
However, she doesn’t like being the first child but instead wanted an older sister or an older brother.
Uijin told me she knew about social work from the television and felt called that that’s what she wants to do.
Finally Uijin told me why she doesn’t like to talk much when doing interviews. She says there’s nothing much to say about herself. Despite her thoughts, I still was able to learn a lot about her and was really interested in what she had to say.

Wk 13: Artist Interview

  

        

This week I visited the art galleries and I took an interest to Shihori Nakayama’s exhibit called Recapturing the Moment. The pieces were so beautiful and mesmerizing. I really liked all the details incorporated into the pieces. Each piece seemed like it had a lot of care and attention to detail. The exhibit was based on imagery focused on her personal life showcasing people and places that are special and important to her. These pieces are specific memories from her life. I thought it was cool how she took her real life memories to recreate something so beautiful and meaningful. Nakayama uses personal photographs for the “basis for imagery (she) creates from imagination”. The process of how these works came to life was Nakayama redrew from photographs and she reclaimed those important moments in her life and then therefore added and created a visual interpretation of how she feels toward those individuals. I could clearly interpret her emotions that were coming from the artworks. 

Nakayama used pen, ink drawings, and prints. I thought this must have been a hard medium to have to use to create her artworks. However, they were definitely worth the hard work especially since how nicely they all came out. I can’t even imagine how long each piece must have taken. Nakayama shares how she enjoys “creating line and mark through pen and ink, and (she) is interested in the unexpected results that are part of the printmaking process”. I guess this is true because sometimes artists can have this perfect image in their head but in the end, it comes out a bit differently than they imagined it to be. Therefore, they end up getting angry and frustrated with themselves despite the fact they still made such a great artwork in the end. Back to what Nakayama said, I think it’s a great attitude she has with her artwork. I’m glad to hear she likes to see the unexpected results that she’ll get with her work. She also likes the contrast between the line works from two different mediums. I think the variety works very well in all her pieces. From the pen and line work to her printmaking with the soft washed out colors.

She shares how each work is meant to be a personal visual journal as the prints and artwork are a memory of the “search-and-find” children’s books that she enjoyed reading when she was young. I liked Nakayama’s purpose of her exhibit in that her message was “to welcome the viewer into my world” and she wants to “try to create a world that engages viewers to look closely into all the details and be lost in the moment”. I liked how Nakayama told us how it all incorporates to the reason why she began drawing too which was to share her artwork with others. She always had a tendency to express herself through art rather than verbally. Her art pieces “acts as (her) voice” which she hopes to share to us viewers as she tells us her story. I think after going through her exhibit, I definitely got a feel for how Nakayama’s life was.  #dutzi-galley